 I absolutely love The Prisoner. Introducing me to it was easily one of the most important parental moves my father ever made - up there with exposing me to The Marine, Aliens, Platoon, Apocalypse Now, A Midnight Clear, as significant and far-reaching as his decision to expose me to Heinlein when I'd barely mastered Seuss, and quite easily as heavy and over-my-head-at-the-time as the Air Force documents he gave me to look through right around the time I was coming to terms with hormones and driving (years away from my eventual failures in both venues).
Number Six was one hell of a role model. And if it wasn't for him, I'd be Just Another Drone. I would have caved, see. But I didn't - my dad showed me what spine meant on a day-to-day basis and Patrick McGoohan showed me what having a spine means - what keeping a fucking SECRET means - not on a day-to-day basis but in situations far more abstract and unlikely- and I've been in plenty of abstract and unlikely situations since I've left the nest. Dad- consciously or otherwise- inculcated a strong moral sense into me, both by example and through media... and while I appreciated the experience and ordeals of the soldier, it was the ordeals of Number Six that I identified with - he wasn't a guy following orders or carrying out a mission... he was a man struggling to resist the business end of a system that he may or may not have risked his life to protect and enforce.
Number Six was, in my opinion, Punk Rock. Patrick McGoohan as Number Six was everything I could have ever possibly wanted in a role model.
He still is, to the maximum extent that any fictional character can be.
Given all of this, it's only natural that the idea of a remake of The Prisoner in todays entertainment climate would make me sick, angry, and somewhat irrational.
The target audience thinks it's going to be shit, or thinks it shouldn't be made at all. I firmly agree - having seen what's happend to TV sci-fi since Berman introduced tits to Voyager, and since the Cold War is fucking over.... I just can't see a 21rst century take on The Prisoner not sucking shit through a tit-plated straw. Especially since the PR blip goes to hemorrhoid-inducing strain to stress the producer of the new version, mentioning McGoohan only in the context of having starred in the original and making careful mention that Liberties Will Be Taken.
Thanks assholes. Fuck me in the ass a little bit harder and tell me to think of England, why don't you. If you want to dig old British sci-fi out of the mass graveyard in the wake of new Doctor Who, give us some fucking Blakes 7 - it can be easily adapted to the Now, and you can do it without pissing off anyone who ever saw past the props and effects of the original run of The Prisoner. Everyone who knew what McGoohan was getting at. Blakes 7 could stand an update. Max Headroom isn't just screaming for one, it's BELLOWING at the top of its lungs from the front row. Talk to Matt Frewer and GET ON IT, chop-chop.
Fucking with The Prisoner is like taking a giant steaming shit on the grave of a much-loved relative. I don't care what your intentions are - there are some things you just Do Not Fuck With.
What next, a remake of Outland starring Rob Schneider as O'Neil? Maybe a remake of The Last Starfighter starring the fucking Wayans brothers as Alex and the Beta Unit, Will Farrell playing Centauri and some pop-eyed CG-insert as Grig? A live action GI Joe?
Keep shitting on my childhood until there's nothing left, assholes. I'll pay for concepts that could use a re-cut, an update, or a continuation - I have a hard time visualizing The Prisoner needing or benefiting from any of these. At worst, an update could very well make it less of a mindbender... and making it less of a mindbender would be diluting or destroying the very thing that it does best.
Bad monkeys, BAD.
Side note: I should probably create an "I'm drunk and I have a KEYBOARD!" category. It would theoretically solve more problems than it would create, or at least excuse the overall attitude of posts such as this one and my "review" of Quake 4.
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